What’s in a Name?

From an Alliance Capital, “Mutual Funds Without the Mystery,” ad from the late 90s.

Yesterday morning I found this Alliance Capital investment commercial from the late 90s. Please give it a watch before you keep reading.

https://youtu.be/LXl0e2phNX4?si=HtYtMjQNa8J3givw

Not counting the first line equating investing with retirement planning, I think it’s a great commercial that would do well today. The way they mock the names of investment products is perfect. And even though I'm biased, “there is a simpler way to invest” is a perfect tag line.

Now more than a quarter-century later I have to ask: what on earth are the product development and marketing people doing at investment firms? I spent about fifteen minutes looking at the “fund lineups” at the top firms in Canada. Here are some of the buzzwords from the names of mutual and exchange-trade funds today.

Strategic Yield – as opposed to unplanned yield?
Alpha Innovators – “we’re still thinking about how to provide alpha.”
Opportunities – is this not the definition of the stock picking process?
Longevity Economy – is this for people in retirement homes or for ‘lifestyle hacks.’
Enhanced Value – as long as it’s not worsened value.
Stock Selection – you don’t say.
Total Return – this is the whole point.
Plus or + – let me guess: ‘plus’ means adding gold or crypto or private equity/debt or all three!
Smart Hedge – thank God it’s not dumb
Cyclical Tilt – sounds like a bike rider taking a wide turn.
Unconstrained – I can hear William Wallace screaming.
Evolution – is this the Charles Darwin fund?

Please stop doing this, fund companies! Even if your ads are outstanding like this one from Magellan Investment Partners from almost nine years ago. Stop with the ridiculous names.*

And even if your product is low-fee, broadly diversified, and does what it’s supposed to do, how the hell can I suggest it to a client when it’s called the Evolved Strategic Total Opportunity Return with an Unconstrained Cyclical Tilt Fund? Exactly.

*Those are Australian investment funds and aren’t available to Canadian investors. And linking to them doesn’t mean I’m recommending them (obviously). See disclosures here.