Wealth Management-to-English Dictionary.

From the cover of the University of Georgia Press Edition of The Devil’s Dictionary.

I finally bought Josh Brown’s book, “Backstage Wall Street,” this week. Took me long enough. It was published in 2012.

Sandwiched between the foreword and first chapter is a broker-to-English dictionary. I laughed out a loud while reading it and couldn’t help but think of a wealth management-to-English dictionary.

I shared an early draft of this post with an old colleague, and he pointed me toward “The Devil’s Dictionary.” It’s satire at its finest:

Armor, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Here’s my best attempt at a wealth management-to-English dictionary in 2026. Let me know what you think.

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Advanced (adj.) – a word placed in front of the six financial planning areas to suggest additional expertise is required when it isn't.

“This potential client has two corporations and a complicated estate plan. I think I’ll tell them about advanced tax and estate planning. And I can’t wait to tell them about my advanced investment philosophy.”

Anti-Money Laundering Rules or AML rules (n.) – rules to ensure an advisor isn’t inadvertently laundering money for a client. They've been a lot stricter since 2017, when the Netflix program Ozark came out.

“Can you believe that to stick to the new AML rules I need to check the ID of a client every single time I meet them – even though I’ve known them for two decades? Ozark is to blame for this. Ozark sucks.”

Centres of Influence or COIs (n.) – the people struggling advisors beg for clients, and the friends of successful advisors. COIs are also a ton of help when clients need advice or guidance beyond straightforward wealth management, like tax and estate matters.

examples: accountants, lawyers, realtors, mortgage brokers.

“If only I had better relationships with COIs. Then my business would be booming!” or “I had lunch with a COI yesterday and all we did was argue about sports.”

CFA or Chartered Financial Analyst (n.) – someone with a bachelor’s degree who passed three exams that are considered to be some of the most difficult in the world. As a result, many people with CFA after their names command a bit more respect from their peers. Whether it’s warranted or not depends entirely on the person because plenty of people are book smart but couldn’t find their way out of a wet paper bag.

“You’re a CFA!? Oh, my god. I don’t think I’m worthy.” or “I can’t believe that guy is a CFA. I don’t think he can tie his own shoes.”

CFP or Certified Financial Planner (n.) – someone with three or more years of wealth management experience and a bachelor’s degree, or someone with ten or more years of wealth management experience without a bachelor’s degree, who has passed a few entrance exams and then a big six hour exam. New CFPs are hellbent on putting together Financial Plans (see below) for every last client. More tenured CFPs are more focused on Financial Planning (see below again).

“The newest CFP in the office just dropped off a 120 page Financial Plan on my desk. It’s for a 21 year old client who just started saving. The estate planning section is 35 pages long.”

Compliance (n.) – the people who make sure advisors follow the rules. They’re the watchdogs. They’re hated by bad actors, and acknowledged and accepted by good ones. Compliance exists to keep advisors and the firm they work for out of trouble and protect end investors from bad seeds. Their inquiries are usually met with sarcastic or sardonic responses from advisors.

“All I wanted to do was post something provocative on my website, but compliance put the kibosh on it. They said what I wrote didn’t abide by rule 3600 or something.” or “I can’t believe compliance won’t let me invest this client with a low risk tolerance’s life savings in a gold mining stock.”

Conviction (n.) – a way of saying confidence or hubris. The more of it an analyst or prognosticator has, the faster you should run like hell.

“I ran the technicals, cross-referenced the macro data, and read three analyst reports. I’ve never had more conviction for where this market’s going.”

Doomers (n.) – personalities that never stop talking about the world going to hell.

examples: Robert Kiyosaki, Peter Schiff, Jeremy Grantham, Marc Faber, Nouriel Roubini, Jim Rogers.

“I’ve been sitting in cash since 2009 because the Doomers keep telling the world’s about to end. I know I missed out on a lot of growth, but those Doomers will be right eventually. That’s when I’ll cash in.”

Estate Planning (n.) – the thing insecure advisors or advisors with imposter syndrome fall back on when they can’t articulate their value. They think all it consists of is adding contingent beneficiaries to registered accounts.

“You don’t understand. There’s so much more I can do. Like, like, like… estate planning!” or “We need to add contingent beneficiaries to your TFSA. That’s solid estate planning.”

Evidence-based (n.) – a fancy way of saying “this is what history suggests.” It's the approach of the best (and most sanctimonious) and most humble in the profession. Even though they, like everyone else, have to put the disclaimer “past performance is no guarantee of future results” on everything they share.

“Past performance is no guarantee of future results, but my evidence-based approach is the only one that works.”

Family Office (n.) – Wealth management reserved for ultra high net worth families who need (no they don’t) complex investment portfolios made up of both liquid and illiquid asset classes.

“I just landed a $30m client by telling them I could wind down their portfolio of commercial real estate, rolling it into liquid alts and illiquid REITs and private credit. Of course I told them we’re a family office. You’re like a brother to me. Aren’t you, bro? Let’s get you signed up.”

Financial Plan (n.) – a forty to hundred- and twenty-page document outlining everything going on in a client’s life, along with suggestions and methods to optimize their financial situation. Three quarters of the Financial Plan is disclaimers (I used a ton of assumptions), assumptions (fancy guesses), and spreadsheets (based on the assumptions).

“My financial planner gave me this hundred-page Financial Plan and I’ve never looked at it. Not even once.”

Financial Planning (v.) – A financial plan in real time involving proactive communication and regular meetings and action-items to implement. You know, a wealth manager’s job.

“If my advisor says, ‘plans are nothing; planning is everything’ while talking about financial planning again, I’m firing him.”

Holistic (n.) – a more professional way of saying “we give advice that covers all six of the areas of financial planning.” The epitome of a redundant statement.

“You may have a financial plan. But is it a holistic financial plan?”

Income Return (n.) – what a specific segment of investment salespeople focuses on, usually when pitching products to retirees.

“The income return of this covered-call ETF is close to 8%. That means you’ll earn 8% without touching the investment principle.”

Know Your Client or KYC (n.) – the required information to gather about someone before being able to open an account. Information includes date of birth, address, occupation, ID, banking, account objectives, liquidity needs, time horizon, risk tolerance, and a lot more. Not counting legible ID and a void cheque, the accuracy of the information need not be confirmed. It’s honor based.

“The new client demanded I put his job title down as ‘investor’ when I know he’s a retired public servant. He refused to sign the KYC form unless I put down ‘investor.’ Not sure how I’m going to explain this one to compliance.”

Know Your Product or KYP (n.) – a revolutionary regulatory rule that somehow wasn’t introduced until the end of 2021, requiring financial advisors and firms to fully understand an investment's features, risks, and costs before recommending it to a client.

“You see the performance of that new ETF? I have no idea what it costs, and I have no idea how it might perform in a bear market. But look at that recent performance! All my clients want it. Isn’t that good enough for KYP?”

Morgan Housel (n.) – the author advisors who lack empathy push their clients to when the market’s getting hammered.

“Look, I know you’re not happy seeing your portfolio drop 20% in two months, but it wouldn’t bother you so much if you just read Morgan Housel’s books.”

Performance Leader/Manager (n.) – the person at a firm in charge of making sure advisors are hitting their targets. They’re nice to advisors shooting out the lights, usually putting them on a pedestal, but they make advisors who are struggling’s life a living hell.

“The Performance Manager called. She told me I’m doing better than everyone else. That’s why I’m calling you. You need to be doing better. How about I tell you what I'm doing?” or “The Performance Leader called again. He said if I don’t get a business plan done or get my business to where it needs to be I’m done.”

Price to earnings ratio or PE ratio (n.) – a number thrown around by analysts so they can sound smart (or try to). Price is the price a stock is trading for. Earnings is another term for profit or “the bottom line.” Divide price by earnings for the ratio.

“Did you see the PE on the utility? That thing is dirt cheap. That market hasn’t noticed it yet. It’s a steal at this price!”

Price Return (n.) – what wealth managers remind their retired clients of after they've been pitched a product built around income return only.

“The income return of that covered-call ETF might be 8%, but what happens if the price return is minus 99%?”

Private (adj.) – a word placed in front of any wealth management product to add status when it’s the same as the plain-vanilla product only with slightly lower fees and slightly better marketing.

“You’re working with a wealth manager? Well I’m working with a private wealth manager. My statements come on glossy paper.” or “My equity returns have been incredible for the last decade, but that guy who got me into his family office just told me about private equities. I can’t hide my excitement!”

Prospect (n.) – a derogatory term for a potential client.

“I’ve got this prospect coming in tomorrow with an eight figure account. You mark my words boys and girls, I’m going to close that account.”

Quarterly Earnings (n.) – the dog and pony show that takes place every three months. Investment analysts and commentators lose their minds with every earnings report and then wax poetic about what earnings mean for every company for the next year or two or ten. But then three months later, when the next quarterly earnings are released, they completely forget about the prior report.

“I know three months ago I said Apple was cooked, but now they just beat expectations by twenty cents. It’s the best business ever.” or “Even though I can’t remember any of the last four of Nvidia’s earnings calls I know this one will be big. I haven’t slept in days because I'm too excited.”

Risk Tolerance Questionnaire or RTQ (n.) – a market sentiment indicator dressed up as a multiple choice questionnaire used to uncover the risk tolerance of an investor.

“We’ve been in a bull market since 2009, so everyone’s risk tolerance questionnaire suggests they can handle anything and everything the market throws at them. Except for that one guy. He completed his in the lows of the Covid cash and then again in the lows of 2022. His risk tolerance questionnaire tells me even GICs are too scary.”

Technology (n.) – something pretty much every financial institution in Canada is lacking. And clients let their advisors know how bad it is at every opportunity. Most advisors are embarrassed to talk about it.

“I’m sorry our technology is so pathetic, Mrs. Client. But to be fair, it’s from the 1980s.”

“The Thing Nobody’s Talking About” (phr.) – the thing EVERYBODY is talking about.

“Tune into my YouTube channel where I talk about the thing nobody’s talking about.”

Thought Leader (n.) – A loud voice on twitter, Youtube, or LinkedIn who usually focuses on fiduciary standards, problems in the profession, low-cost index funds, the evidence, AI, and reviewing a ton of research. They have at least two podcasts and are often guests on other podcasts.

“All the big thought leaders were on the same podcast last night with the same message as always: advisors who aren’t them or their friends are subpar. And the evidence proves it!”

Top Producer (n.) – the advisor bringing in the most assets and generating the most revenue. Performance Leaders/Managers put them on a pedestal, showcasing them until all their peers hate them. Top producers eventually drop off. There’s always someone gunning to be King/Queen of the hill.

“Here comes the top producer again. I wonder how he’ll lecture us about how great he is and how lazy we are this time.” or “That guy used to be a top producer, but his ego got to him and now he’s a pleb like the rest of us.”

Total Return (n.) – the combination of income return and price return; the only return that should matter to serious investors.

“I earned 10% on my investments last year. 1% of it was income and the rest was price appreciation. I’m glad I didn’t fall for that single-stock covered call ETF.”

TSFA (n.) – what DIY investors accidentally but continuously call TFSAs.

“My TSFA has grown so much since 2009. I max it out in January each and every year then buy growth stocks. I love TSFAs!”

Turn Rate (n.) – the percentage of revenue earned on a book of business. For example, a business managing a hundred million in assets that has revenue of a million has a turn rate of one percent. If your turn rate is too high, compliance will crush you. If your turn rate is too low, the performance leader/manager will crush you.

“My turn is at .66. The performance manager keeps telling me to up it or get lost.” or “Compliance keeps calling about my 2.5 turn. They just don’t understand that I’m trying to run a quasi-hedge fund. The fees are worth it.”

Referral (n.) – a potential client that a COI, friend, or existing client introduces you to. A referral is what advisors dream of. Some even go so far as to tell clients, usually by way of their email signature, that a referral is the world’s greatest compliment.

“I know my numbers aren’t the best right now, but I just got TWO referrals!” Or “the greatest compliment you can give is a referral.” Or “I need to buy presents for my client, Gene, he’s sent me THREE referrals this week.”

Suitability (n.) – a weak standard because all that matters about the proposed product or service is that it’s not wrong for the client, with minimal consideration given for whether it’s right for the client. The suitability standard cares little, if at all, about conflicts of interest, commission-driven suggestions, proprietary products, and undisclosed fees.

“My previous advisor told me that all my investments passed the suitability standard. But it wasn’t until I met you that I found out the investments were suitable and also pieces of garbage.”

Wholesaler (n.) – either a master salesperson who can help you build your business the right way while sharing insights about competitors and the industry at large. Or a product pusher who doesn’t know a thing about you and wastes your time pitching you what worked last year or what they know you’ll hate.

“That wholesaler took me out for lunch last week. Not sure why they were pitching me what they were. It’s almost like they did no research about me pre-meeting. At least they picked up the bill. I don’t think I’ll talk to them ever again.”

The Why (n.) – an overused phrase loved by the managerial and leadership class. It became (in)famous after Simon Sinek’s book, Start with Why, was published. It’s often used when there’s a lull in a teambuilding exercise and someone wants to sound smart or enlightening.

“We’ve been spending a lot of time this meeting focused on what and when. But we should instead focus on The Why because once we know The Why nothing will stop us.” or “I can’t help but notice your business has been struggling the last few months. Before we look at what you’re doing, let’s talk about your Why.”

“Weekly Market Update” (phr.) – content put out by a ton of wealth management firms on Friday evenings or Monday mornings that surveys the week that was without really saying anything. The advisors at those firms are pushed to circulate the Weekly Market Update far and wide via LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook. Some updates are better written than others, and some updates have fancier charts than others. But the crux of the content is the same.

“Subscribe to my weekly market update for insights you can get from just about everyone else!”